♪♪♪ (theme)
31, 35, 40,
45, 50, 55,
60, 65, 70,
7‐‐ 71.
‐71. Beat that. ‐Aw, 71.
‐Come on. Beat it. ‐That's nothin'. You watch this.
‐Ready? One. ‐(laughing)
What'd you do, change balls on me?
‐What's the announcement, Radar? ‐It's a lecture.
Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
That should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Look at this. No eyes.
(ball continues bouncing)
Good afternoon, men. (clears throat)
Now, first of all, let me thank all of you in advance
for what I know will be your full and undivided attention.
‐(imitating snoring) ‐(laughing)
The topic for today has to do with the subject of sex.
(all cheering)
All right, all right. Now let's not go gaga.
Sex happens to be one of the most important things in life
inasmuch as each one of us is one or the other gender of it
once we're born, which is the direct result of the act of it.
Sir?
Uh, we'll have questions after the lecture.
What about answers?
I was just wondering, should I roll down the flaps so the nurses don't hear?
Radar, all the nurses have heard about sex.
‐I know I've been spreading the word. ‐Shut your face!
‐Kiss me. ‐HENRY: Okay, now.
Uh, the aspect of today's subject that I'm going to delve on
is the U. S. Army's contribution to birth control.
I knew they were gonna ask for contributions.
I gave at the office.
Uh, now each of us here knows why, uh...
he is in Korea.
HENRY: Major Burns.
We are here to stem the red tide,
to finish up the Commies once and for all.
Anyone with half a mind knows, as I do, that, after Germany,
we should've knocked out the Russkies, then clobbered the Chinese
before they forced Chiang Kai‐shek and his very beautiful wife
off the mainland.
To which I, for one, say they should be unleashed
so that they can liberate the real Chinese people
and restore the government that America's paid
so many millions of dollars to help get.
Sir. I thought the lecture was on sex.
I didn't iron my dress to talk politics.
‐Sit down, Klinger. ‐Now listen, Corporal!
You, too, Frank.
Now, we're in Korea by order of the U. N.,
along with 17 other nations,
to try to stabilize this country politically and militarily.
We are not here to add to the population.
The one thing they don't need in Asia is more Asians.
Many of you have heard me speak on reproduction and V. D.
I've got both your albums.
But today's subject is much more important.
Now, this country is on its can.
There's not enough food, housing, schools.
You name it, they haven't got it.
So don't add to its problems.
Now, uh, when you're shipped home,
just make sure that you don't leave any little time bombs
that are gonna go off nine months later.
(chuckling) Now, I know you're only human.
Present company excepted.
We don't expect you to behave like monks.
The army just wants you to be careful
so that you don't leave behind any little "monklets."
(laughing)
MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.
See the bulletin board for details on the payroll savings plan.
Buy a bond for 25, 50 or 100.
Bet America to win, place or show.
Come on. Don't be slackers. Join in. Sign up.
‐I forgot my name. ‐Amnesia.
Happens every time somebody wants me to invest in a war.
Well, bullets cost bucks, mister.
I'd like that tattooed on my thigh.
You're both a blemish on the record of this unit.
I'm gonna do something to get rid of the blemishes tonight.
Uh, ach, du lieber.
You get the feeling Frank's one war behind?
Did you see this announcement?
(mumbling, indistinct)
‐(knocking) ‐Frank? You alone?
Where are they?
Oh, they said something about nurse molesting.
‐I want to see you. ‐I have a headache, Margaret.
No, no.
I have a favor to ask of you.
Oh, anything, darling. You know that.
My sister's getting married.
My younger sister is getting married.
And she's only a captain.
Oh, marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
Let me tell you, honestly.
No. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
I want to borrow $240 for a wedding present.
It's key money for an apartment.
‐Two hundred and‐‐ ‐And $40.
Surely I'm worth $240.
‐Frank? ‐Every penny.
But I wish I could. I really do, but‐‐
But all your money's tied up in wealth, right?
Oh, those are just bonds.
You've bought enough to start your own country.
Shh!
I just wanna borrow $240.
But don't you have the money, Margaret?
Dear? Didn't your dad leave you a bit?
Mother drank it.
Half my salary goes toward drying her out
and the other half for bail.
Bail?
When she's sober... she's a klepto.
She was caught in a store last week
stuffing a radio up her jumper.
‐Frank? ‐Uh‐huh.
Uh‐huh.
Mm‐hmm.
I just can't do it, Margaret. It rubs against the grain.
"Neither a lender nor a borrower be." Polonius.
"To give and not count the cost." St. Ignatius Loyola.
"The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet
"and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
"that it will last throughout a whole lifetime
if not asked to lend money." Mark Twain.
"Blow it out your ear!" Margaret Houlihan.
The morale officer would like to remind all personnel
not to be "negilgent"‐‐ (chuckles)
...negligent about writing to the folks back home.
Remember, you gotta write 'em to get 'em.
♪♪♪ (phonograph, sentimental)
(thinking) Dear Becky...
I hope you had a nice birthday party.
I'd have given anything to be there.
In your last letter, you said I never really tell you what I'm doing.
Well, now that you're all of seven
I'll try to describe what it's like over here.
First of all, I live in a tent
which is kind of old and smelly,
which I share with two doctors
who are young and smelly.
One is Hawkeye Pierce. He's a good egg,
but just a little grumpy when it comes to waking up.
Come on. Everybody up. Rise and shine!
‐Hawk? ‐I'm up!
Get up on your feet up.
(sighs) Korea? The war still?
Right.
What's to get up? I left a call for half past peace.
Night shift. Come on. Let's go. Up.
Wait! Wait! Wait a minute!
Why are we wasting this on each other for?
TRAPPER (thinking): Major Burns is Daddy's other tent mate,
sort of like a substitute teacher that stays all year.
Like us, he's here to patch up the soldiers as best we can.
They don't ever seem to stop coming.
It's very routine work, except once in a while like last December.
HENRY: Put him to sleep.
‐Colonel. ‐Yo.
His feet, sir.
Oh, God. More frost?
Three toes, at least.
When the hell is the army
gonna develop a boot that works?
I'm almost finished, Frank.
You want to turn down that gas
before this private floats to the top of the room?
‐(gas flow stops) ‐Okay, sir.
Thanks for the break. I'll take over.
Okay, pressure and pulse are stable.
Why don't you check the other tables, Frank?
‐Maybe somebody left a tip. ‐Aw, baloney!
‐RADAR: Major Burns! ‐Yeah. What is it?
Chopper plucked him off a minefield. He was there all night.
Get this body outta here, P. D. Q.
He's dead, sir?
Of course. Froze to death.
‐Let's go. ‐Okay.
‐Hold it. What do you got? ‐Deceased, Mclntyre. I checked it.
Are you "deef"? I said "deceased."
Kaput. No pulse, no heartbeat.
Okay. Come on, take him back.
‐Let's go. ‐Ooh!
‐Come on! ‐We might be able to save this guy.
Uh, get me a cut‐down tray
and four units of O‐negative blood.
‐You get a pulse? ‐Not in the arm.
Like I said.
Come on, cut the shirt. Let's go.
Frank, his extremities are frozen.
You didn't check the carotid.
You ever hear of hypothermia?
He only knows what's condensed in Reader's Digest.
You get anything?
A faint beat. Where's the, uh‐‐ Oh, great.
Frank, hypothermia is a state of reduced body temperature
‐slowing down all functions. ‐I knew that.
Get me some blankets and a prep tray.
‐Frank, you prep. ‐Right.
This guy thaws out, he's liable to start bleeding.
What happened, Radar?
He was in a minefield all night long.
He's a lucky fella.
If this had been summer, he would've bled to death.
(thinking) That's it for now, baby.
I'd like to be able to tell you when I'm coming home.
‐(record sticking) ‐But, for a while now, all I can do is stay here
and make the best of it.
‐♪♪♪(music stops) ‐(phonograph grinds on)
MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.
Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week
and will be shown right after supper
which is also a holdover from last week.
‐(tapping) ‐♪ Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya ♪
♪ Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya ♪
‐(audience chattering) ‐KLINGER: Down in front.
(singing, tapping continue)
‐Out of the way. ‐Sit down, Rob.
I'm glad we finally got a new film.
Sure beats Twelve Ways to Infiltrate a Nazi Bunker.
You wanna remove your hat, lady?
How would you like me to remove your teeth?
‐(people chattering) ‐Sit down, or I'll make you eat your bra.
‐I only dress like this to get outta the army. ‐(people shushing)
You're too pretty. They'll never let you go.
I'd like some popcorn, please.
‐♪♪♪ (continues) ‐(tap dancing continues)
‐Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, sir. ‐Just get by.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
‐(tap dancing) ‐ROBINSON: Hey.
TEMPLE: Hey!
‐ROBINSON: Hey! Hey! ‐TEMPLE: Hey!
♪♪♪ (continues)
Have I missed much?
The Civil War started.
Don't tell him how it ends.
♪ Nya nya nya nya nya nya nya ♪
I've got a bleeder in post‐op,
an 18‐year‐old kid.
Hi.
Watch your hands.
‐What? ‐Both of them.
‐What the hell! ‐Keep your hands to yourself.
Huh?
I swear, Henry, these fingers never left my hands.
Well, don't look at me. I only fool around with girls.
Will you sirs kindly mind? It's Shirley Temple.
She's not really a kid, Radar.
Her mother stunted her growth,
made her sleep in a short bed and smoke.
‐She's 42 years old. ‐Aw! Please.
‐Heh! ‐Heh!
(movie continues indistinctly)
(chattering, shushing)
Doctor? That patient is hemorrhaging again.
Oh, Lord.
All right, let's go.
KLINGER: Excuse me. Pardon me, sir.
‐KLINGER: I'm sorry. Pardon me. ‐MAN: Not you again?
‐(people chattering) ‐Klinger, sit down!
‐Move it. ‐This seat is taken.
Oh, no, it isn't. It's empty.
Can you believe that guy?
(people shouting, indistinct)
Hey! Break it up back there!
(all shouting)
(all cheering, applauding)
You can't fight in here.
MARGARET: Can't somebody stop that?
(all shouting)
MAN: Hey, stop it! Break it up!
MAN 2: Knock it off!
Come on! Knock it off!
‐Now cut it out! Stop it! ‐(explosions)
Would you mind holding it down?
I came all the way to Korea to see this picture.
(explosions continue)
They're shelling us! Stop the film!
‐(people groaning) ‐Well, we gotta take cover!
Just where are we gonna hide, Frank?
We're stuck here with our brass hanging out.
‐Brasses. ‐Oh, right. Thank you. Come on. Sit down.
(engine running)
See this, Henry?
"First Annual Polly Adler Birthday Cookout, Picnic and Barbecue.
All proceeds to go to Sister Teresa's Korean Orphans'Fund."
Forget it.
Henry. You did everything you could.
Yeah. Come on, Henry. Loosen up. You'll have a ball.
Yeah, that's just it. Everybody unwinds, has a good time.
Then the war comes back, and it's a real belly drop.
Look, we need this.
If we don't go crazy once in a while, we'll all go crazy.
♪♪♪ (drumming on metal cans)
♪♪♪ (vocalizing)
I missed you so much. Oh, I love you, Judy.
(kissing sounds)
I came back because I missed you, Judy.
WOMAN: Oh, I'm so glad you came back, Punch.
(giggling, laughing)
‐(kissing sounds) ‐PUNCH: I love you. I miss you.
I love you, Judy.
I love you. I miss you.
‐Oh, I love you. ‐(kissing sounds)
‐I love you. ‐Oh, that was just‐‐
‐(kissing sounds continue) ‐Ah.
Oh. This is lovely. That's very nice. Lovely.
I'm not doin' too great for the orphans, Father.
No? How much so far?
Three nurses. Three bucks.
I could make more, but you wouldn't believe what they expect for a dollar.
Oh. Well, do your best, my, uh, my son.
Thank you.
Uh...
Okay, you fill the spoon with water.
You take the water down and put it in the glass.
And then you run back with the spoon and give the spoon to your partner.
Don't spill any water. We don't want to make Korea messy.
‐Ready? ‐(all shouting)
(laughing)
(all cheering, shouting)
(all chattering)
HAWKEYE: Come on, Sister!
With a field like that, Father, you can't lose.
(cheering continues)
WOMAN: Go, go, go, go, go!
(cheering continues)
Go, Sister! (laughing)
(cheering continues)
HAWKEYE: Oh, Yeah! The winner!
‐Congratulations. (laughing) ‐(all cheering)
(chattering)
I'm the bonus prize for the winner.
I get the loser.
My father told me to stay away from fast women.
(shouting, indistinct)
You've been avoiding me, Margaret.
Actually, I've been ignoring you, Frank.
I'll get around to avoiding you later.
What is it, sugar? Everyone else is having such fun.
I thought we could be in the sack race together.
You can forget about us being in the sack race for a while, Frank.
And anytime you want, you can pick up
your bathing cap and your chenille robe.
Margaret, what is it?
I'll give you 240 guesses.
Oh, I get it.
It's the money, isn't it?
You bet your clusters, sweetie.
Well, you wouldn't really let money come between us?
I‐‐ There‐‐
There is no us, Frank. There's just me.
The only us that you're a part of
is Mrs. Multi‐Chin Sensible Shoes.
Now blow!
‐(whistle blows) ‐Go! Go! Go!
(people shouting, cheering)
I'll get it, Margaret.
The money the 240.
Really, Frank? Honest, darling?
‐Do you mean it? ‐That's what I said.
Oh, Frank!
(giggling) Oh, you don't have to do that.
‐One thing I would like, though. ‐Anything.
When I give you the money, if you could sign an I. O. U.
Well, it's really a good idea when you lend‐‐
An I. O. U. and some mention of the interest?
The interest?
Yeah. I thought five percent.
Now, that's better than you'd get at any bank.
(growling) Oh! Frank Burns!
‐Frank! ‐(whimpering)
Oh! Oh!
(cheering, whistling)
(cheering)
(all chattering)
(whistle blows)
First prize has been graciously donated
by Corporal Max Klinger.
(all cheering, applauding)
He always wanted a double‐barreled slingshot.
Come on, Henry. Loosen up a little and have some fun.
‐Come on, grab the rope. ‐All right, I'll grab the rope.
Get in here, Hawk.
‐Oh! ‐Hey, hey!
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who figured out this linuep?
It's by rank, Henry.
Uh‐huh, except for the old Illini anchorman.
(laughing)
It's good for your complexion. Come on.
All right. Let 'er rip!
‐(whistle blows) ‐(all shouting)
Who turned out the lights?
Hey!
‐Get Henry! ‐Come on in, Henry!
(all laughing)
(laughing dies down)
Choppers.
(helicopters approaching)
RADAR: Choppers!
(operating room chatter)
MAN (on P. A.): Attention.
For all personnel too busy in the O. R.,
here is the latest from the bulletin board.
Armed Forces Radio announces that Clark Gable is divorcing
Lady Sylvia Ashley.
And Sergeant Morrie Mandel announces he is divorcing his Sylvia.
In Washington, Republican candidate Dwight Eisenhower said
if he's elected, he'll go to Korea.
HAWKEYE: That's what I call a sore winner.
H.Q. in Seoul announces that
the ammunition shortage continues to be very severe.
TRAPPER: We got no shortages here.
Heavy fighting will go on in our sector,
and we can expect casualties for the next 72 hours.
‐HENRY: Pierce? ‐Yes, Henry?
Good idea, that picnic.
Yes, Henry.
♪♪♪ (theme)